manage a difficult conversation with emotional intelligencebest stainless steel tubing cutter

Certainly, things like interrupting, jumping to conclusions, rushing to defense. After youve gone through your pregame checklist, the next step is to move past your internal narrative and run a mile in the other persons shoes. Feel free to share your thoughts by leaving a comment down below. What do they need to hear from me so that they feel respected and understood, even if we have some differences? What kind of relationship do they want to have with me? What are their core values? Prior to coming to AMA, McNally led marketing efforts for the National Association of Professional Women and Professional Diversity Network. This part, where empathy is housed, becomes inaccessible during emotionally charged situations and confrontations. That feels like an affront to what I believe people should be. /TrimBox [0.0 7.9200063 612.0 799.92] Dorothy has collaborated with clients and organizations to develop and implement high-impact learning solutions that drive results. And so being able to have strategies in place to help you manage your emotions, understand what kinds of thinking or behaviors lead you to feel anxious or angry, and having a little toolbox of skills and strategies in place to help you feel calm is half the battle. So, for example, and I do not want this to turn into a political conversation at all, but I just wanted to provide you with a model just for ideas to think about. /ProcSets [/PDF /Text /ImageB /ImageC /ImageI] Im feeling kind of angry right now. And I'm feeling a little bit upset. << Thus, you need to focus on people worth doing this hard emotional work. Handling these situations is in fact, difficult. You can see them becoming flooded. /XObject << One of our team members will contact you. The Enterprisers Project is an online publication and community helping CIOs and IT leaders solve problems. Dont allow your self-worth to hinge on them. If you cant beat them, join them in a personality assessment, that is. And also, Im going to put on my life coach hat and offer up some specific strategies as well. /F11 16 0 R This is what I want. /G3 9 0 R /F6 12 0 R Since they feel emotionally safe in your presence, you can have more productive conversations, and they will be just as likely to extend the same grace to listen to your side. Let's go get ice cream. Or something like that. That even if someone doesn't come to the same conclusions that you do about the same situation, that you feel that your perspective is understood and respected as being valid because it is. Particularly as we are heading into the holiday season in the midst of a contentious political season and with so many stressors and strains and angst and very real issues that people are facing. We then react to that story we create not to what actually happened. But they feel like they can't talk about who they are and what's important to them and kind of know and be known. Lastly, if you're in a relationship that is feeling increasingly disconnected due to irreconcilable differences and it feels like you just cannot have a productive, constructive conversation that leads to mutual respect and understanding, it may be time to consider relationship coaching, couples counseling, or family therapy. A partner will say something that is clearly very triggering for their spouse, and that spouse will not it's like they just freeze. What are my intentions for this conversation? I believe there's a right way to live. If we want to take that a step further and get bonus points, we could even move in to a space of appreciation that it's not just Yes, I can see why you would feel that way. It is You know what? Unless you've already gone through communication skills training, relationship coaching, or emotional intelligence coaching, you might not know how to have a difficult conversation productively. Who do I need to be right now to make that happen? /Contents 18 0 R >> And they don't know how to handle the situation so that it won't turn into a yucky feeling fight. >> /F7 13 0 R Its not about achieving your desired outcome but looking at the situation from their perspective and understanding why it makes sense. endobj So, either grab a pencil and notebook or open up a note app. Thus, you need to develop social and emotional awareness to bring yourself back into a better headspace and continue difficult conversations. But again, like coming into that with a sort of judgmental and self-righteous idea, which is My way of seeing things is better than yours and so, you should be more like me. And this is true for everyone. /F7 13 0 R If you try any of these ideas I'd love to hear how they went. And it's hard to do. /F10 15 0 R /SMask 23 0 R She enjoys bringing new authors into the community and helping them craft articles that showcase their voice and deliver novel, actionable insights for readers. And coming back to, What are my intentions for this conversation? So today we are going to be talking about why conversations feel so hard sometimes and strategies that you can use to face those moments not just courageously, but also with confidence and a sense of competence. /F6 12 0 R /MediaBox [0.0 7.9200063 612.0 799.92] Do I want something to change or just to feel understood? It sounds so silly, but thinking through this stuff in advance will help you be able to not just communicate your truth effectively, but take some of the emotional energy out of it so that when you say, I'm feeling really hurt and disappointed that we haven't had sex in three months, and I miss you, and I would like to be with you. If you've kind of written through what's going on with you, why it's important, what you want, when you say that out loud, it will be often like just a more gentle kind of way that is more understandable to the person that you're speaking with. It will turn into a bad conflictual moment. What are the thoughts that are creating those feelings inside of me? But if you have been someone who has recently emailed me or gotten in touch through Facebook or on the blog at growingself.com or Instagram with a question about how do I handle talking to my elderly white aunt about her sort of internalized racism? All of that in very literal ways, shuts down and becomes inaccessible to you. They make up reasons to not go down for a visit. So, to kind of boost up your skill set for being able to do that, because it's really, really important when anyone gets floodedyou, me, everyone we knowgets emotionally flooded and begins experiencing intense feelings of anger, pain, fear, anxiety, what happens is that their brains, our brains, change in the way that they function, like literally. All rights reserved. And me just kind of like shifting from one side of that argument to the other. Interestingly, the way that your brain changes in these moments is that the most highly evolved and most human parts of our brainsthe newest parts of our brain structure, the neocortexthe part where we're able to have empathy for others, the part where our language skills are housed, the part that allows us to take a big picture perspective or do any kind of if-this-then map kind of advanced planning, our executive functioning skills. Gain a deeper awareness of your own feelings and motivations. And so as so often the case in so many of our conversations here on the Love, Happiness and Success podcast, one of the most important skills that you can cultivate to have constructive conversations is the skill of self-awareness, particularly as it relates to emotional intelligence. 720.370.1800 | Intl 844.331.1993 | Reviews | Gift Certificates, People almost never change without first feeling understood., by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Nov 2, 2020 | Career Coaching, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, Happiness, Podcast, Relationship Advice, Self Improvement / Personal Growth, Success | 0 comments. And there's a way to handle this constructively that creates not just communication, not just collaboration, but, really, authentic connection. You can see them becoming defensive or shutting down or feeling blamed, not knowing how to calm themselves down or switch back into more noble or empathetic thoughts. /ModDate (D:20200605193749+00'00') Having conversations with your partner about some aspect of your sex life that you would like to have be different. Identify key people in your life and let the rest go. CK t /2 P Ju|^ws @Wt p[96Czku7 pi; DLc[ lJw9'u \P{#e*H] pA/Hz#rRwm u ;Rto NlJ-gtw \P;)5zQ. /BleedBox [0.0 7.9200063 612.0 799.92] If you find yourself caring way too much about what someone else said or did, even when the actual impact on you is minimal, you may be in an enmeshed state. How do I feel about the situation? Let's take a break. We have to be brave and be the ones who bring difficult things out into the light with the people we love so that we can have relationships that are based on authenticity, respect, vulnerability, compassion and connection. Which part of the episode was the most helpful? And also, I think sometimes reminding myself, if I want to have a high-quality relationship with this person, this is what I need to do. /F10 15 0 R Like The Enterprisers Project on Facebook, A community helping CIOs and IT leaders solve problems. Team leads, Managers, Leaders, and all professionals who are looking to use emotional intelligence strategies to manage difficult situations and difficult conversations. How would I like it to end? And how when you look at the same situation from each point of view, it does make sense, even if you don't agree with a belief system or the outcomes or the values. I think they can do better. << . So, so much there. The reality is, most people tend to tiptoe around difficult conversations or engage too aggressively, both of which can damage a relationship. /Title (Difficult Conversations) As a result, it becomes a one-way discussion that usually ends up in a fight. The idea that this is how we grow. I don't think any of us have a monopoly on the way, you know, the way things should be or who is valuable in our society and who isn't, because there is a bias and a hierarchy of value that is often based on race or socioeconomic status. But the other side of this is that when you don't talk about hard things that are bothering you, it will increase feelings of resentment, emotional distance. . endobj Why is this important for me? In this episode of the podcast, I'm shining a light on what it really takes to courageously engage in difficult (and necessary, and respectful, and healing) conversations with the people you care the most about. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Say: Your comments are hurtful. I just want you to know that I have heard your questions and considered them very carefully. I know there's so much more that we could talk about on this topic and maybe I will record another podcast along these lines again in the future. Like, are you making little faces when other people are talking? Do you have a control freak in your life? Now, more than ever, I believe that we all need to learn and intentionally practice compassionate communication skills that can help us understand each other and build bridges to the center of shared meaning. And that is not the only way. What are their core values? Even when someone works differently than you do for example, they are introverted and you are not it can feel hard to communicate and work effectively. /LW 30 If the other person is avoiding the topic, you have to take the initiative and broach the subject. And the people with enormous privilege have a much easier time and often take credit for things that are handed to them. But being aware of when people are getting flooded and noticing that and having a plan in place to attend to it and help bring everybody back down is another incredibly important concrete skill to have in your toolbox when you are wading into difficult conversations. The other person, just like the sun rises in the east, they will become defensive with you and they will start coming up with all the reasons why you're wrong. And if people take the hard and narrow path, they usually have good outcomes. /ProcSets [/PDF /Text /ImageB /ImageC /ImageI] /Parent 2 0 R Tilt also tells you how to approach people who are different than you (or the same as you) for optimal results., [ Do you makethoughtfuldecisions? endobj Emotional intelligence (EQ) means understanding emotions and feelings (yours and others) and using this understanding to manage behaviour. Rather, its about appreciating the others point of view, going beyond your motivations, and trying to understand why they think the way they do. Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. We are all human emotions and feeling are an important part of who we are building your emotional intelligence and awareness will help you next time you have one of those courageous conversations. Those are the things that really need to be attended to, or resolved, or at least addressed. % /BleedBox [0.0 7.9200063 612.0 799.92] Dr. Schaefer is the co-author of Meaningful Alignment: Mastering Emotional Interactions at Work and in Life. Another idea I'd like to share that is really helpful for many of my clients, both individual clients and also a lot of the couples counseling clients that we work with, is that the goal of any of these conversations is not necessarily agreement. And our role in difficult conversations is to learn what those are. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads. How will the other person react? What do I need to do right now to shift my thoughts back into a constructive and compassionate mindset? Now, you think that's hard? To be able to say, Thank you so much for telling me how you feel when I see it from your point of view, I understand why that makes sense. Let's talk about what's really hard because the other critical piece of having an effective, constructive, difficult conversation means moving past what's going on with you and how you're feeling and what you would like to talk about, and what is your desired outcome, and setting that aside. How do you shift those into more productive ways of thinking? to bring yourself back into a better headspace and continue difficult conversations. Your email address will not be published. Theyre the ones that usually make us feel apprehensive, uncomfortable often they are referred to as courageous conversations as they usually require some courage to have the conversation in the first place. And that I'm willing to participate in that and help create that.. She is energized by supporting organizations that are working to develop women for future advancement through community and meaningful education. Dorothy Deming is the director of education, content and operations at American Management Association. So, doing some pre-work around, what do I feel? >> >> This is particularly true in light of the increased levels of stress and sensitivity so many of us are experiencing currently, both in the workplace and at home. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics". It happens all the time. It is very, very, very difficult for anyone to stay in the ring and have a constructive conversation when they feel attacked. Instead, seek out supportive coworkers and colleagues. When faced with a difficult conversation, most people respond in two ways. Learn how to really develop a closer, more satisfying connection. Gossips also delight in drawing others into their toxic conversations. Which part of the episode was the most helpful? /G3 9 0 R Its a good practice to focus on the problem behavior rather than the person, suggests Halelly Azulay,CEO ofTalentGrow. Emotional intelligence means understanding, first of all, how you are feeling and what is going on inside of you that is leading you to feel that particular way. That's your family, your spouse, your child, a colleague or an employee or a boss who you really want to have a future with. P.S. >> Learn essential skills in having constructive and productive conversations. You might decide that there are some relationships in your life that are actually easier for you or even healthier for you to set boundaries around and go ahead and let that distance grow. Perhaps its giving feedback on poor performance to a junior colleague, a tough fee negotiation, delivering bad news to a client, saying no to your boss. /F6 12 0 R << 10 Critical Questions to Ask When Selecting an Executive Coach, Authenticity - Connection - Purpose - Communication: 4 Essential Leadership Competencies to Reenergize and Inspire your Organization, The New Value of Purpose: Observations from a C-Suite advisor on how to lead with purpose in 2022, Maintaining Your Resilience for the Long-Term, You are being too hard on yourself (restoration), So let me see if I got that. Schedule a Free Consultation Today. And to be able to develop kind of the judgment to know the difference. I appreciate the values and the perspectives that lead you to feel that way. We need a sense of mutual understanding to look at a situation through the lens, beliefs, experiences, values, and expectations of another. Traditional intelligence (IQ) means understanding a problem and using that understanding to work things out, to provide a solution. People may react or behave in a way that makes it difficult to communicate with them, trust them, or work with them to solve problems productively and efficiently. However, you may visit "Cookie Settings" to provide a controlled consent. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. << This, I think, is particularly important in this day and age when there's so much polarization around political kinds of things. /X4 11 0 R By clicking Accept All, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. Because without that honest and courageous reckoning, our relationships will be fractured, and distance will grow. I would love to hear from you so that I can make a podcast for you. How do you shift those into more productive ways of thinking? Carla Rudder is a community manager and program manager for The Enterprisers Project. Theconcept of apatheia, a state of being where you care appropriately about what is going on around you, can help you in difficult situations, says Bird. Their little faces get red. Instead, theyre often put off until absolutely necessary or we hope that the problem will somehow magically resolve itself. This is a result of what you know about them as well as your experiences with them at work. /StructParents 4 It's when we get very, very polarized and like, No, I will not tolerate this point of view. I am the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. /Parent 2 0 R >> But go back to the blog at growingself.com and look communication strategies and you'll find all kinds of podcasts, articles, little things that you might not even notice there. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. /G9 10 0 R So, let me talk about that for a second. What would I do if that doesnt happen? Do you want to scream? Would I like just to feel more connected and like we're not tiptoeing around each other or not talking about the elephant in the room? And that when we invest in people and things like education and health care, mental health and social services and firemen and police and roads and schools, everyone is lifted up. Identify how to prepare for difficult conversations using an easy to follow process There are so many crucial conversations to have around parentingYou can't talk to me or the children that way, this is not going to work. Or, I mean, my goodness, people who have very well-developed and sometimes even aggressive opinions about politics, social justice, issues around racism, and how to handle those moments in a constructive way. There are ways of communicating with other people that will very predictably lead to an argument. At the same time, you have to. My advice is to reframe the problems as difficult conversations, not difficult people. /XObject << You can just be done saying no. /Resources << /Contents 22 0 R /BitsPerComponent 8 Dont share intimate information with gossipmongers. I mean, we have to get ourselves in the right kind of headspace, an emotional space, in order to handle these moments effectively. Remember: If you are in a healthy relationship with someone who loves you and cares about you as much as you love and care about them, it turns into an openness and willingness to exchange ideas. most people tend to tiptoe around difficult conversations, OR on the flip side engage too aggressively around triggering topics, both of which can damage a relationship. And it's beyond the scope of this podcast. https://insight-training.co.uk. It's hard to do. Even if the feedback is negative, the person providing the feedback is giving it because they care, or he or she wouldnt have said anything in the first place, Egts points out. 8 0 obj So, I'll mention it. I also emphasize that the goal of difficult conversations is not to come to the same conclusion but to reach a place of mutual understanding and respect despite your opposing views. And since the intensity is already less, it sets you up to be in a position to be a much more receptive listener, I think, because that's hugely important. Disrupting the status quo is the only way for you to grow as a person and for the relationship to evolve. /ML 10 This requires you to be fully and actively engaged not multi-tasking. So here's where you go to learn more, are already on the blog there. << Lauren speaks on topics for women and diversity and inclusion through WLC, Training.com, HR.com and ATD conferences and virtual events. What sort of difficult conversations are we talking about? Well, first of all, what I mentioned is having, like, assumptions that it will turn into a conflict. Its hard to feel happy, confident, and competent if you dont know how to believe in yourself. Although they can sometimes be quite charming, they nevertheless know how to belittle you and make you serve them.